Pecking order

American Idol's top 12 took the stage last night and although it's still shocking to me that freaky Gedeon was not among the finalists last night did very little to change my opinions on anyone.

So before they start getting eliminated for real, here's how I would kick them out, one-by-one, if I was the only person who got to vote...

Week One
Kevin Covais, dubbed "Chicken Little" by the sadistic producers and his masochistic "fans," is so clearly out of his depth that it's actually insulting he's even in the top 12. The way he's taken to playing up his I'm-a-geek-but-now-it's-ironic-because-I'm-on-TV persona does him no favors. Would anyone seriously buy an album by this kid as anything but a gag gift? I'm not convinced he'll go tonight but there's no one who deserves it more.

Week Two
Ace Young is supposed to be the "good looking one" but is it weird that I find him more than a little creepy? He's not slimy like Constantine or a living Muppet like Guarini but it's no surprise that those are the two past Idols he's most compared to. Let's face it, it's never gonna get better than that George Michael song he did a month ago... I say cut him off as early as possible.

Week Three
Kellie Pickler is coasting purely on her Beverly Hillbilly personality (golly, you big city folks and your fancy indoor plumbing!!). Maybe more people will realize this after her completely disasterous performance last night. I would allow her to torture the viewing public for three weeks, but if I was really in charge she never would've made top 12.

Week Four
Bucky Covington seems more genuine to me than Kellie and he's never really awful, but he's never really good either. Simon's comments about finding guys like Bucky in bars all over America are pretty spot-on. (He's a prime contender to leave tonight.)

Week Five
Melissa McGhee is an underdog and I kind of like her. But she's no star and no great singer. Someone's gotta go every week... (back in the real world, she could even go tonight.)

Week Six
By this point I'm a little sick of Taylor Hicks' spastic dance moves and boring song choices. The audience starts to turn against me...

Week Seven
In the first flat-out shocker Chris Daughtry, who represents everything bland and bad about modern rock radio (not even music, radio), exits the competition. He cries a lot. I smile.

Week Eight
Mandisa is eliminated. America is outraged. I explain that although she is talented and likable there's still something missing. Don't ask me what it is, I still don't know.

And now I cheat. The four remaning contestants—Paris Bennett, Katharine McPhee, Lisa Tucker and Elliott Yamin—are my favorites, and I still can't decide which of them I like best. They've all had good weeks and bad, all have endearing personalities and none seem likely to actually win (but they're the only four I could see myself voting for). Alphabetical order is as good as any (and frankly represents where I'm actually leaning as of last night) but I'd want to see how each of them does or doesn't grow through the competition.

But I know that back in the real world I won't get that chance... damn you Chris!!