No, it's not worth the trip

Now that I've seen The Island I can properly appreciate its perplexing box office failure. I'm one of the few people who contributed to the film's second weekend gross of $6 million (which was a 52% drop from last weekend, not that awful of a drop all things considered).

I knew from the start I'd get burned on this one. I just couldn't resist the pairing of Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson in a big shiny sci-fi/action summer entertainment, even if it came from director Michael Bay whose filmography is nothing short of craptastic (although apparently plenty of people could resist).

It's been a while since I've seen a Bay film. After the abomination that was Armageddon I skipped out on his bid for James Cameron-style credibility (Pearl Harbor) and the carbon copy sequel of a movie I disliked enough the first time around (Bad Boys 2).

I remembered his distinctive "visual style" (after the movie my girlfriend, less educated in the ways of Bay, asked why everything looked like it was shot at sunset), his inability to create a single convincing human emotion and, of course, his fetish for destruction.

I'd forgotten his leaden touch with comedy.

Not that Bay is an ideal director for romance, drama or anything else that doesn't involve blowing something up, but for a director so intent on making his movies jokey and "fun" it's shocking how cringe-inducing the humor in his movies is. Just check out the scene with the sassy black receptionist, or the cranky overweight food service worker, or the Jesus-referencing black construction worker. Oh yeah, it's all kind of offensive too.

Bay does stage one great action scene in The Island. Most of the movie is surprisingly dull, especially considering Bay's documented obsession with rapid-fire editing, but eventually there's a remarkable display of unbridled destruction on a freeway. But even that sequence succumbs to overkill once Ewan and Scarlett are hanging off the side of a building (yes, it starts as a car chase and ends up on the side of a building).

Actors are pretty much secondary in this kind of thing, but even though McGregor and Johansson don't have much time to embarrass themselves to any significant extent I still ended up feeling sorry for them. They make The Island more bearable than it would be otherwise but still... the movie deserves a previous Bay collaborator like Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett, Nicolas Cage (in his dumb movie mode) or Will Smith in the male lead. And I have no desire to support Jessica Alba's delusions of being a thespian, but if she must make movies then she's an appropriate fit with this kind of material.

Damn, I think I just solved both DreamWorks' anguish and my own. If only Will Smith and Jessica Alba starred in The Island it might have actually made money, and I never would've had to see it.